This is so noir I can barely read it through the cigar smoke!

I can’t make sense of ‘but trouble though has a funny way…’ – I don’t think you need the word ‘though’? Also, considering the sharp talking, witty style of the rest of the narrative and dialogue, the last line doesn’t make the impact it should.

But in the style, tone and content it’s a really strong piece, a good example of the genre with a bucketload of possibilities – MH :)

The ‘though’ is fine if you parenthesise it with commas. Also, “the second I laid eyes on here” should be “the second I laid eyes on her” ?

Noir rules! Thus endeth my commentary.

In addition to the other critiques rendered, which I wholly agree with, I’d also like to point out that a kitten’s whiskers are not soft. They’re actually fairly stiff, and have a roughness to them due to their scale-like make-up. If you run your fingers along them from tip to base, you’ll notice what I mean.

Overall though, I dig the tone of this piece. Big fan of the noir style, and for the most part you pulled it off.

I deleted the offending “though.”

I changed “Kitten whiskers” to “kitten fur”

I changed “here” to “her”

And I thank each one of you for helping me with these points.

The story is stronger now thanks to your willingness to offer assistance :)

really good. I also feel like a cigar.
By which I mean i want to smoke one, I don;t mean I feel like an actual cigar

Things people do for money…

You must have read Raymond Chandler! (and if you haven’t I suggest you read it now)

The narrator has such a strong sense of character, and the red herring you put in by mentioning he was an “ex-cop” was a nice touch – I was sure he was a good guy!!