A vast improvement creatively on it’s predecessor – strong imagery, an obvious live for writing (I would guess this is at least semi-autobiographical?), and no spelling errors as far as I can see – though breaking it up into clearer paragraphs could be useful…

Welcome to Ficly – with a passion for the art like this, you should fit right in! MH :)

“The sun was slowly descending the sky” doesn’t really make grammatical sense…
And I agree with all MH’s points (listen to him – he’s good)
Other than that, can’t wait for the next sequel?