If I had to die...

Let it be quick, or painless but not both.

If it is quick I want an intensity of feelings for the last time, to feel a rush of electrical impulses swarm from body to brain to body to dying mind. I would not want to look someone in the eyes, I would not like to be that scar. I would want to go with clean underwear, and a smile on my lips. Let it not be for a ideal, or because of someone else’s bloody stupidity. Let it be from the chaos of nature, or my own fault. Let me be reckless for those last fast moments.

If it is slow, let me have peace and soothing numbness. I would want to be surrounded by loved ones, but leave in the night when they aren’t looking. Let me have a bank of well worn memories, and I would wish to share them out. I would plan my end and leave notes to those behind with my possessions. Don’t let me be forgotten. Let me be the wise old grandma who knows it all and can walk tall away with Death.

If I had to die, let me be happy.
I would live forever if I could just work out how not to die.

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