I dig the feel you’ve got going on, and love that we’re looking at a dead main character. I also get a very strong Elmore Leonard Out of Sight vibe from this.

I’m not sure where to try and take it, but I’ve got a few minutes to try and work something out. Huge fan of the sdrawkcab seilcif.

Oh, I forgot to point out the errors. “Eerieness” isn’t exactly a word, but it should still start with two e’s. And I think you meant “discrete,” unless you meant to say his “Descartes nylon holster,” which doesn’t make much sense. =P

Enjoyable little piece, BCB. And dangit, JP, you editorial-minded person you! Ruining all my fun! Same critiques as HIM evil eye

Revisions made…thanks John(s)

I did one of these too they are fun.