Welcome to Ficly – your reasons for joining are touching, and here you prove that you can really write…

The personal attachment you clearly have to this story comes across well, all your descriptions are well-formed, and the reader can build up a good view of the central character.

On a technical level, your first sentence I’d written like it’s a title, and as that’s above the story it’s not needed – similarly I think that last line takes away from the impact of the rest of your work – perhaps you could use a pseudonym if identity is an issue?

Finally, paragraphing this would make it a better read as well, and break things up a bit… So structurally, edits could be made, but creatively, it was sweet, personal and meaningful – good work! MH :)

Welcome to Ficly! I know your son loves you, but if it were my son, he’d be so embarrassed to have a story about him and his messy room on here! I love that you wrote about his drive to succeed; it is inspiring.
now I’m going to be a spelling ninja: sometimes in the first sentence, and bodies of water; extra ‘s’ there..
Now, as a writer, we all hope for that same box to arrive. :)

Thanks, I really appreciate the help. Corrections made!

Welcome to ficly! They’ve already beat me to the critiquing stuff, so I’ll just say that I liked the somber tone, imbuing the whole scene with a sense of magic and importance.