a little broken in some places. but a good idea behind it!

i helped him fix it! and this is now a nice opener. :) charlie makes 8, so he has to die. oh yes, or someone does…

I agree this is a little broken but it is a good beginning. My pet hate of numbers written in numbers has appeared. Grr.
12 – twelve.
Abby x

You only write in the numbers if they are less then ten. 12 is less then ten. Besides writing twelve takes way too many characters.

Sequel!!!
By the way! kudos on the cul-de-sac. I felt happy seeing that word! It actually comes from catalan (a language I’m learning here in Spain), and means “bottom of the bag”. Yay :)

I like it and though I can’t wait for a sequel, I’ve always thought a single ficly had to have some sort of story, and an opener never does.
Ah, well. it’s still good and I’m excited.

I meant to say, 12 is greater than six… wow I’m smart.

I like that you have an actual narrator, it makes it feel like someone is reading the story to us.

I’m not all that enamored by this small bit of the story, as there isn’t really very much here, but I’m interested to see how you continue.

I appreciate it as an opener, but as a standalone it doesn’t offer much up, and perhaps tells us too much, rather than leaving the story to show us…

That said, it meets it’s aims in drawing the reader in – so, reading on! MH :)