I can barely move. The darkness is crushing. I can’t remember how long I’ve been here. Days, weeks, maybe years I’ve spent here, alone, hungry, and going insane from boredom. I tried gnawing my leg off to combat the sensory deprivation, but it’s amazing how quickly one can grow accustomed to pain. I don’t know how long I slept after that; there are no windows here. I think I mentioned the darkness.

What’s that? A light, brighter than any I can remember seeing. There’s a shape within it. Am I dying? No, it’s the boss! He’s come to rescue me. I yell to him. He answers unintelligibly. Has he always spoken like that, or have I forgotten our language in the eternity I’ve spent imprisoned here? Who cares? He sees me and starts to awkwardly lumber in my direction.

A minute later, I’m free. Five minutes later, I have food and water. That’s when I realize: the boss is God, and He has saved me from eternal torment.

I proceed to worship God in the traditional way; I urinate on myself.