Check out your title again.

I like thar you’ve set up a potential ‘quest’ with a distinctly 21st Century feel to it – that’s interesting.

But, until that point, the dialogue just seemed to lack punch – like the dialogue was for the reader’s benefit, whereas actually the primary objective of dialogue should be that it’s aimed towards another character… I’m just not sure I felt your characterisation too strongly in this piece.

And I would recommend cutting down the ellipses to three full stops at the end, or moving the last line to a new paragraph.

Has some potential as a series starter, but doesn’t give me much on it’s own – perhaps an edit could build on what is actually a decent foundation? MH :)