Beautiful! Love the imagery. The whole thing flows so well. :)

I don’t think this really needs to be a poem. In fact i think it would flow much better as a story or just in blank verse, as usually different stanzas in a poem have different focuses.
Besides that, i think the imagery here is really beautiful and the love between the characters is portrayed in your words.
Good work..

I like the scene you’re describing for us. The last stanza was my favorite. I agree with Nathaniel this is beautiful.

Thanks for the comments! I really appreciate the critique, PJ — it’s just a draft at the moment, and there’s still a lot for me to work on. Maybe I’ll unify a couple of the verses when I do another edit.

it flows really well as prose. There is something poetic about it, the rhythm, that would make it odd in prose, however. But I kind of prefer poetry that isn’t so choppy.