Hmm. I’m not sure what to think of this. I like the premise but I think you could use stronger language. For example, the first sentence:

_The stench of sweat was draped heavily across the atmosphere of the battle, due only to the stifling heat. _

I think it would be a stronger statement if you wrote something like:

The scent of sweat draped heavily across the battlefield

You are writing about war. Stong bold language will make your writing more powerful and more in keeping with your topic.

I agree with PA. Oddly worded is this.

Thank you for your honesty. I have changed the wording, so hopefully it reads better.