Oh my God, this is horrible.

What happened to the girl I mean. Ha.

You have The Third Robot’s seal of approval for whatever it’s worth.

Very gripping and horrid, as if the narrator is right there watching all of this in a cold, indifferent sort of way. Only critique would be the tense on the paragraph about her being found. It didn’t seem to quite line up, or maybe it just answers the question with too much finality to allow for the suspense of the piece to remain.

The repetition of “not that she knows this” would benefit from a semicolon, like this:

“There is little time left; not that she knows this.”

This would allow you to put commas where appropriate:

“When she is found, it is too late; not that she knows this.”

As they are, those sentences have a breathless quality that I don’t think fit the theme.

In the first paragraph, you should drop the word “Only”. It ruins the repetition of “not that she knew that”. You say, “she only knows these things”, then you list more things that she doesn’t know. I already knew she didn’t know that, because you told me so.

The tense in paragraph 3 needs adjusting. “When she is found, it is too late” implies that she is dead or at least unconscious, but then the paragraph continues as though she’s still conscious. Or, scrap the first line of the paragraph and replace it with something that makes more sense in that context.

Thanks for the suggestions, I’ll try and improve it. I was trying to go for a slightly stylised feel which buggered up my tenses. It’s in her present, (still alive and kicking,) but the narrator knows what is going to happen, (what ever that may be). I will chalk it up as partial success. Thanks again for all the comments.

I thought your word choices were phenomenal, I mean, this whole challenge called for ambition, and personally I think you deliver in droves – the narrator’s voice is remarkably steady considering the horror of the situation, which is interesting – and what’s left unsaid brings it to a spine-tingling climax…

Really good work, a fantastic piece – MH :)

so sad and a terrible ending to her life, but if you can stir the emotions, without grammar and spelling and other errors getting in the way, then it’s a good piece! I must have read this after you made some edits because i think it is great.