Ok, I watched Glee last night and this was song ws on it, so I decided to give my interpretation. I jumbled the order of the lines and created a modern telling.

Right. Much as it pains me to criticise a piece using lyrics from one of the most awesome Act I closers in musical theatre, the lyrics just don’t integrate particularly well here for me – interesting context you’ve put them into, but it’s a disjointed read.

Perhaps just describing the scene with italicised quotes to try and add depth would be more effective – MH :)

I did enjoy this, however I think that the white powder reference to drug use was a little disappointing and didn’t fit well with what was said earlier.

There is also an unnecessary amount of mystery involved. It leaves the reader a little overwhelmed by unknown elements.

GLEE!! ….sorry I had a moment.
The lyrics are so powerful in this song. I like your beginning lines but the dialogue seemed a bit forced. I’ve read some of your stories and I know you can make this better.