Hrmmm, a neat idea, this sort of real-world/fantasy blend . I like the idea of the imagination world fed by ours and leaking through. The writing has a some subtle problems. Starting a sentence with ‘and’ or ‘but’ is considered weak form, so starting the whole story with ‘but’ really wasn’t a strong start. Then you’ve got run-ons and fragments throughout, which I know was mostly done for dramatic effect, but there just a few too many to make it a pleasant read for a grammea nerd.

I could be a douche and say that this is meant to be spoken by a character, and all the grammar problems are his fault, but that’s just hand waving. I started it with a big But because it was born out of a comment I left on someone else’s story. (On a different website.) So It was supposed to be interrupting what he was saying.

I’ll take a look back through it, and see what I can do about defragging it. And makeing a stronger beginning. Maybe I’ll wrap what is pretty much just dialog in some description and characters.