Few things, I think you should have broken up the paragraphs, but thats something all new ficly applicants fall prey to so don’t about that too much. Then again, I think that that lack of a break does add to the insanity of the story.

There are some grammatical errors here and there as well I noticed.

Lastly, the story is pretty hard to follow, to be honest, I still don’t really know what’s going on.

That’s neither here nor there though because that always happens to me.

Welcome to ficly.

Okay, I’ll confess I quite reading half way through. English as a second language? The grammar goofs (mostly verb tense conjugation) plus how it’s all one big paragraph just made for a difficult read.