Grammatically and what-not it’s ideal, however there is something about the story that leaves me unsatisfied. Perhaps it’s just the premise or maybe I just didn’t get it. I don’t think that “Famine” was the best choice either.

Unfortunately I can’t exactly place my finger on it, sorry about that.

I’m not sweatin’ it. I can’t make everyone happy with my writing all the time. Besides, when the muse sings, you just gotta answer — and this was the tune she sang to me this morning. I guess this vignette is something of an exploration for me into something a bit new and different. I appreciate you reading and leaving feedback!

Well, lack of emotion is Famine’s mood in this piece, but the fact that it strikes readers as flat and boring, too, probably isn’t a good sign. :)

Bizarre but kind of cool. Nicely told in a dead pan sort of delivery that fits your morose, resigned character. One slip into past tense in the first paragraph but otherwise strong use of the present tense.

Are you referring to the phrase “has turned?” If so, then that’s a legitimate use of past tense due to the ‘has’ helping verb, which keeps it in the second person perspective.

Wow – this is eerily… empty in some way – containing and conveying a deadly, pessimistic sort of complacency.

The phrase repetition of “It’s not like he means it”, “It’s not like it matters”, “It doesn’t matter”, and “It’s not like he really needs it” feels somewhat redundant but also helps to convey the Bohemian Rhapsody feel that “nothing really matters” to Famine. I can’t think of how you could get the same feel across in other phrases.

This is very unlike anything I’ve read on here to date – a totally different type of story.

Empty was the feeling I was going for. I wanted to convey this sense that Famine, who brings emptiness to people’s bellies, experiences a personal famine in his life every day.

i used to know guys with this exact demeanor..

Well I don’t know about everyone else, but I love it. It’s Death! Death in a high school. At first I thought it was some emo-chav hybrid.

I got the impression this was the Horseman Famine, of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

A great read.

Yup, it’s the Horseman. You can read Famine’s age whatever makes the most sense to you.

Nice story,with a good arc and twist at the end.
I enjoy the way the story flows. It feels almost visual in the way this movement is implied.

Thanks, Yuna! This one started out with a clear visual in my head of a teenage Horseman of the Apocalypse carrying a sickle to school. The rest was just details to be filled in. Glad to know my original visual carried through to the words. :)