Paragraph breaks and punctuation are your friends. This feels really rushed and haphazard. Makes it pretty difficult to follow.

thanks for the feedback. Yeah it was a bit rushed, I just wanted to finally take the leap and publish something. But I do guess that I have to master the art of editing.

I would have to agree with Jim. Your story is in dire need of some serious editing. It’s disjointed and tremendously hard to follow.

More punctuation and in better places. Also some better sentence structure is needed I’m thinking.

Make paragraphs or I will kill you with lazers. No joke.

Lastly, Welcome to Ficly!

Beyond haphazard, it ceases to make sense entirely by about half way through. I’m not even sure what it’s supposed to be. Maybe structure (paragraphs and such) would have made it clearer.