My father, the truck driver, wrote country western songs for decades. He used to say, “Every gas station attendant in Nashville has written a country western song, honey.”

Which brings us to the first rule: find a dead end job where you can wear boots. If you have an “occupation” then you can’t write country western songs. If you can define or spell “occupation” then you can’t write country western, honey.

Which brings us to rule two: everyone is “Honey.” It is not gender-specific and, more importantly, rhymes with money, funny, and Playboy Bunny: vital concepts to country western.

Rule number three requires you to read about Elvis and idolize him. When God told Moses, “Thou shalt not pray to false idols.” He didn’t mean Elvis. Elvis is the real deal. In a pinch you can ask yourself, “What would Larry the Cable Guy do?” And then do it, honey.

Finally, do NOT call it “Country and Western.” Conjunctions are for snobs and wimps. Besides, country can’t exist without western no how, honey.