wow, this is powerful and wonderfully written, nice job.

Really great stuff. Feels like an epic start to a very noir tale.
If I’m going to nitpick, I’d say the sentenced about ‘pressurized into her veins’ could have been rolled onto the sentence before it with a comma. Style choice though ultimately.

Thanks a bunch!

Yeah I’ve always had a problem with run-on sentences, so I really need to watch how I use my commas. For example, that last sentence uses 41 words, and has five commas. That said, I’ve also been wary of unnecessarily breaking up sentences since your comment on Drama.

Grammatical and format correctness are also things I actually care about as a writer, so I think I agree with you, I should have kept them as one sentence.