Considering this is quite a taboo subject matter, I think you handle it well here – I liked the irony that the first line could be typical of so many ‘teen drama opening lines’ – but then you go on to paint such a messed up character.

Your tension building is skilful, though maybe some of the turns of phrase here were a little cliche – ‘time seemed to slow down’ and ‘my killing ground’ particularly.

Other than this though, it was a suspenseful read with plenty of opportunity for continuation – good work – MH :)

As much of a cliche as ‘time slowed down’ is, it’s exactly what that paragraph felt like. However, I think that you could have omitted that phrase completely because the way the rest of the paragraph is written. It would still seem to be slo-mo without having to have to tell the reader.

But yeah… good intensity.

As much of a cliche as ‘time slowed down’ is, it’s exactly what that paragraph felt like. However, I think that you could have omitted that phrase completely because the way the rest of the paragraph is written. It would still seem to be slo-mo without having to have to tell the reader.

But yeah… good intensity.

Not that I mind, but you might want to mark this mature.

Ah, I see why :) I didn’t realise just how taboo this subject was :S I’ll mark it.

I really like this. You get inside the character’s mind really well. As others mentioned, a couple phrases seem a bit cliche, but otherwise, very good.

Advise I got from a creative writing teacher: if the phrase comes too easily to you, there’s a good chance you need to change it.