There is so much truth to this story, which is what makes it so beautiful and sad at the same time.

However, in the third paragraph, I would consider changing the last three sentences into something like, “I looked into her steely eyes, which in return bore into me with machine-like intensity” which makes it seem a little less stilted right there.

Otherwise, good work!

I appreciate the comment! I edited those lines as you suggested, since they were definitely awkward. Though, to be honest, I don’t know if I did a better job. I wanted to keep the short sentences, because I think they can have a bit of a dramatic effect in emotionally intense scenes. However, they can quickly become awkward with ease!

I prefer short sentences as well, but it’s a matter of opinion. In a drunk state it’s hard to formulate longer ones and I just think it echoes reality.
The emotion in this is really hard-hitting, and echo @someday’s first comment.