Some punctuation problems here. Also the misplaced modifier in the last paragraph makes it sound like the goon has the MC’s neck in some sort of device called a knee-cap. :)

I’m a bit troubled by how a child (teenager?) is supposed to get away from 20 goons that are, presumably, larger and stronger than she is.

Very quick but exciting. Reads almost like a dream of events rather than the events themselves, not that it’s entirely a bad thing. That last sentence wound up a bit unclear, enough I had to read it two or three times.

THX hits the nail on the head with his dream comment – some of the sentences felt strangely disconnected – though whether that’s intentional or not I don’t know.

I won’t repeat concerns over grammar and phrasing, but will say that there’s enough content and plot set-up here to fuel a gripping tale – so good work there! MH :)

I wanted the dream sort of disconnected feel. Its the point of view from a teenager so its dotty and not focused. but thank you i’ll fix the grammar and last sentence.