Wow. I had a really hard time reading this. Aside from the glaring grammatical and spelling issues, this story follows no logical path, and doesn’t provide a reader with a sense of a timeline.

Really needs some work man…

I was almost there, but I think you lost me in that last big paragraph. It was obviously a flashback to show how he felt in this moment, which was a neat idea. Somehow the execution wound up a tad too muddled, probably cause we’re not entirely sure what’s going on (okay, I have a good guess).

In any case, the feel and tone are right on. You just need to tweak that last big paragraph for clarity.

thanks so much for the feedback. it really helps! this is why i love ficly so much.

first off, you have a wonderful quirky writing style, albeit a confusing style. The lack of punctuation and clear separations in train of thought (even when done for poetic purposes) makes for a hard read.

Wi0th this story, you captured the intensity of moment by adding ancillary tidbits that worked well. Although the extremely confusing run-on sentence in the third paragraph made this a near impossible read (as THX commented on). I can see where you were trying to get into his chaotic frame of mind; which seemed to work.

almost worthy of 5 pencils, but the difficult read distracted from the genius of this piece.

I have to agree to most of what has been said. I enjoyed your style and descriptions, and I was eager to discover what this “loser” was going through. I’m still not sure what happened or is happening to him, though. Please clarify the last paragraph, I really want to know!!