and we talked about the day and our plans and all manner of things but eventually we knew and that fortune was to crack and i could feel him grow inside and it made me sigh a heavy sigh and i pushed ever so slightly — so slightly you could hold it in your hand — and he pushed and eventually it was the monster throats dry among the branches and the leaves and i wish i were so goddamn high yes, this was the place where my husband and i sat and drank and smoked hash on his birthday, and that light downstairs is the bedroom where we share our secrets — all but this one, which will always be quiet.

“god, look at that ass.”

i visited every day and i felt better and worse every time. that rush i only knew previously from cocaine and from running in a hotel room with that soon-to-be-bride of mine, running into the bathroom and kissing, the sweet crass. a rush humans live for but can only find in minute and slowly dying amounts of caffeine, amphetamines, never enough. this is the rush i wanted to immortalize.