“Tom, why are you wearing a bowler hat?”

“Amanda! I henceforth wish to be addressed as Quentin. Do you like the hat? It’s magenta!”

And so, Amanda presumed, was the fluorescent waistcoat and the feather boa.

“Tom, take this off? Please, they’re arriving!!”

Her eyes darted desperately down the corridor, willing the steady flow of students approaching the doors to just stop.

“Tom? Excuse me, who’s Tom?”

“Right. Quentin. Take it off. Take all of this off, get a hold on yourself!”

“My dear, let me explain. I want to be…”

A theatrical pause for breath.

Students were pointing now, laughing – some already armed with flashing camera phones.

“A compelling character.”

“Tom. Quentin! Right now you do not need to be compelling. You do not need to be charismatic, comical, colourful, or even cheerful. That’s not a headteacher’s job.”

A withering glare shot down his PA’s impassioned alliterative plea.

“Were you going somewhere with this? Only my Spanish class is waiting. I brought castanets!”