OK for starters, I love the title. Love it.

Anyhoo. The concept of this, and the way you build tension in the urgency of the dialogue is really good, but I think that at the minute it’s a bit messy to read – I think you went a little overboard with the ellipses, and using capitalis, bold and italics to show emphasis seems a bit much – choose one perhaps?

I think the content could be very strong if polished up a bit – certainly a gripping opener to a series if that’s what you’re planning?

I’ll keep an eye out in case you edit – welcome, back? MH :)

So is this taking place in a mental hospital? That’s what I got from this, but I could be totally off track.

I agree with MH, if you clean it up a bit it could be awesome!