sinister! I like the way you used “and more” to bring this story some danger.

Excellent story. It comes across as a modern day fairytale with the ‘Be careful what you wish for’ tag. Even worse (or better) is that even after reading the story I know that there are people out there who would take the offer. Nice job fresh out of the gates. Welcome to Ficly.

ElsaHawk,

I’m glad you enjoyed this. This is a hard format for me. I tend to be much more verbose, so your encouragement makes me happy. :o)

Robert,

Thank you very much for reading and for commenting. I’m glad you liked it. As I told ElsaHawk, this is a challenging format for me. The shortest pieces I’ve ever written come in at about 300-500 words, not 1024 characters. Thank you for your encouragement and the welcome.

a wonderful morality tale indeed, pack up nicely into one itty bitty ficly. Great job.

Like it a lot. You mentioned in your comments that the format is tricky – I think you’ve done an admirable job picking the key parts to keep in, which I think is the trickiest part of writing on Ficly (I know I spend more time thinking about what I don’t need to include rather than what I do)

Very nice :) It is very thought provoking.

Was it the pills that magically made everyone disappear, or what she was doing to herself? At least that was the impression I got from it. Very nice indeed :D

Krulltar,

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this me. I’m glad you enjoyed this.

Hi Scott,

Yes, this is a tricky format for me. I like to use words…lost of words. :o) Your encouragement gives me hope that I can indeed say something with the bare minimum of words. Thank you very much. (I also spent more time figuring out what I didn’t need as opposed to what I did. LOL)

Hi Luke,

I’m glad you found this thought provoking and that you enjoyed it.

No, it wasn’t the pills that magically made everyone disappear. It was sort of a “did you read the fine print?” type of thing. For each pill she took, some form of payment would be required. That payment would come in losing something she valued, as well as something she didn’t (ie: the excess weight). So, after taking a closer look, I’d say you’re right. She made them disappear herself.

Wow. We would sell our souls to lose weight, wouldn;t we? It’s that important.
This is such a chilling story, selling everything in your life to become pretty, even if it was missold.

Pretty chilling as the losses pile up and spiral out of control… definitely a solid first bit!

Welcome t’ficly!

Hi PJ Deane

Thanks for stopping by and reading this for me. I’m glad you enjoyed this. It’s always bothered me that so much emphasis is put on beauty…so much so that we might not really consider the consequences of our quest to become whatever it is that is currently considered beautiful. :o)

g2lpi (is that right?),

Thank you for the welcome and for reading and commenting. I’m glad you enjoyed it and appreciate your encouragement.

I think this was quite a successful piece. Good dark mood and solid pacing. Very effective ending. Thanks for posting it!

Elizabeth,

Thank you for stopping by to read and comment on this for me. I appreciate it. I’m glad you enjoyed the story and its ending. Makes me happy. BTW, nice to meet you. :o)

Reminds me of a poscast I listen to sometimes where they read horror stories written by regular, unknown writers. This had a really good twilight zone feeling to it with a wierd and unexpected twist that defies some conventino.

Wow, what a nice compliment! Thank you. I enjoy reading and writing twilight zone type material so your comments make me happy. Where can I find these podcasts. Do they only do horror stories, or do they do mysteries and other genres? Thank you very much for reading and for your encouragement. I appreciate it. :)

Nicely written. Twilight Zone, definitely.

The only part of the story that didn’t sit right with me had to do with the alarm bells in her head. It takes a serious amount of effort to ignore alarm bells, so for this story, I might have gone with something more subtle and easy to dismiss, such as a nagging doubt or a vague unease.

Hi again, August, :o)

I had the hardest time thinking about how to have those warning bells go off. I thought it a bit jarring myself, but couldn’t put my finger on how to say it otherwise. You’ve given me something to work with. I think you’re absolutely right. Thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment and for your encouragement. I’m glad you enjoyed it (and that it you feel it has the flavor of a Twilight Zone). That makes me happy. :o)

this came across to me as"The brother’s grim will be guest writing tales from the darkside">
Yeah it was good. i would take em’ just for the and more.

The promise and the bargain made,
The gravest price hath now been paid.

good comment rorschach! And shadowlight, you’ll be a pro at format in no time!

Hi, Mighty Joe Young,

Thanks for stopping by to read and comment on this for me. I’m glad you enjoyed it. Brothers Grimm meets the Darkside. I’ll take that as a compliment. Thank you. :o)

Abstract Rorschach,

What a poetic comment. Beautifully written and much appreciated. Thanks for stopping by and for reading. Much apreciated.

Thanks ElshaHawk. I hope so. I know I’m getting in some good practice. :o)