Realized I just got this one in before the deadline. Whew.

Would love to hear how anyone else would have done this one differently.

Very nicely written, but I feel that the driver is safer in the car, and the story might have worked better if it was a hitch hiker walking alone. I could be wrong though. Very atmospheric.

I never feel safe in the car! And I don’t think it would have worked as well with a hitch hiker… mainly because at first the driver is releived at the realisation that he hasn’t hit the girl, and then that releif is shattered. Nice one!

Don’t drive down that road! Turn around!

That is what I was shouting in my head while I read this. I kept wondering why the driver kept going when it was obviously the wrong exit. Maybe if they couldn’t turn around, or possibly thought they took the right exit at first, it would have been more successful.

I still thought it was very good.

Ew, definitely the stuff of nightmares. You had me nearly yelling at the screen, “Stop! Turn the car around, you idiot! Stop! This won’t end well, you fool!”

Good job.

Thanks for the comments. I rather agree with you Raymond – walking rather than driving would probably have heightened the effect. I wrote it on wheels rather than on foot mostly because until the last three paragraphs (i.e., the scarier end), this is pretty much a true story. Fortunately, my friends convinced me to turn the car around and head back the way we came – most of the rest of the drive was spent sharing what we thought the most terrifying possible ending could have been, this being my contribution.

For me, the format of the beginning really slowed the story down. Despite the "you"ness of it, no emotions were present until the girl smiled. All in all, it left me expecting a sort of “Do you 1) Floor the pedal and run her down, 2) Exit the vehicle and leap screaming over the side of the bridge, or 3) Offer to repair her bear so she stops crying blood” choose-your-own-adventure type ending.

In regards to your statement, I probably would’ve tried to consolidate the first 13 or so sentences into three or four, spending more time developing the concern of the driver (from a first person perspective rather than a “you”) as to what is going on – maybe reference where he/she was going (birthday party or something), to connect the reader with the victim’s humanity, making the horrible end carry more impact, since we would’ve grown much more attached to him/her.

In all – so much detail is given that it takes away from the tension/horror.

But that’s just my thoughts

Thanks Rose – very helpful comment. I wrote this with the intention of putting the reader in the situation, and as I reread this, the two points you raised were, I think, the two biggest flaws (those being the use of the 2nd person and going overboard with the descriptive detail).

Glad it helped!

I think this was brilliant. The “you” of the first sentence immediately placed me into the driver’s seat, and from there I experienced the story as though it were happening to me. This was particularly scary because I’m a terrible navigator and often get lost while driving.
The progression of the story is precisely how I feel when lost and driving: my surroundings changing too fast for me to make any kind of decision, no clear or quick way to turn around.

I am so glad I read this during the day.