This is what I’d imagine Duncan is playing: http://aimini.net/view/?fid=I6acPwkE7ZNyqwrZvES3

Lovely and evocative, though perhaps bordering on over-done.
Since I recently got pegged for it, I’ll put out the reminder about ‘to be’ constructions. Not sure if it was a typo or a fragment, but the one that stands out is the one, “His body [was] cooled by the ocean wind.” It’d read a bit better as, “The ocean wind cooled his body.”
So, a nice scene with some strong images, weakened by a few missteps.