I know that girl.

Interesting. Why were his thoughts clouded? How could she tell that he was back? The ideas presented are very strong- abandonment, love, the blow to pride when one realizes that they became just like everyone else. Those parts I like a lot. There are some minor edits I would suggest- the most glaring one is changing ‘your’ to ’you’re’. I don’t presume to think that everyone wants my help so I’ll stop there. Welcome to Ficly- Cheers!

thanks for the welcome and thanks very much for the comment.
thanks also for the suggestions, i do appreciate the help :)

I think I know her male counterpart…
This is so sweet.
One thing: it should be ’you’re back’ rather than ‘your back’
:)

this was a good story.i could talk about the thing that both of these characters have in common with me for days. but i won’t.
Welcome to ficly.
Great story to come out the latches with, oh yeah get a pic.

Typo (as PJ points out): “your back” is a reference to his back. You mean “you’re back” in both cases (ie. “you are back”).

I like your descriptions, and the little touches of detail here and there. It sings with sequel-potential too.

Good start.

Thanks very much.
I have edited my story as suggested, thanks for the help guys :)

Your quotation—if that’s what they are— are on backwards on some of the dialogue.

You forgot to space in the first sentence between the comma and the “so” and the period and the “but” in the one sentence after the first paragraph.

Otherwise this story had real passion. Becoming the person you hated for love, and all that jazz. Good descriptions. I almost felt her pain—if I wasn’t so cold hearted. (;

Your quotation—if that’s what they are— are on backwards on some of the dialogue.

You forgot to space in the first sentence between the comma and the “so” and the period and the “but” in the one sentence after the first paragraph.

Otherwise this story had real passion. Becoming the person you hated for love, and all that jazz. Good descriptions. I almost felt her pain—if I wasn’t so cold hearted. (;