That’s a fun start!

I’ve written variations of this on a couple other writing sites. Longer, obviously. But same central idea…

I often think I need to work on my comma usage.

If I were to eliminate any of the commas, I would be tempted to remove every comma from paragraph 2 except for the second one. The 1st and 5th seem optional and I can see that you might want a slight pause in those places. The 3rd and 4th seem incorrect in that they seem to divide one complete thought into two incomplete halves.

I should have asked previously about the second last sentence in the piece: spoke from the depths of what?

Yeah there were a few lil growing pains in this ep but over all i liked it and will read the sequel. welcome to ficly.

I took your advice, August, and I do think it looks better now. Before I even had a comma before the part about the khaki shorts, but decided it should be its own sentence.

@August, I guessed depths of the night.. it is dark and he is semi-conscious, anything seems deep then.. :)
Great beginning. Sawdust fairies..my favorite part.

you’ve been on ficly for a very short time, and you’re getting featured early. Great start.