Oh this was quite good. You managed to keep a good pace and build tension in a Ficly. I’m a mite jealous. I am aware that in these stories it is so very easy to run out of room but if I had to criticize anything, it would be the third paragraph from the bottom where you list the items. It feels disconnected. I guess listing things dully while you are in an intense situation is a probable response but some kind of feeling would help there- panic, frustration, relief, something. Still a brilliant entry and worth one of the few fives I give out.

The last sentence took this over the top for me…it has TONS of potential…. is Pete screaming in pain? who knows? what about his wounds? could be a shark bite, or a jellyfish sting, or rocks fell on him, or zombie bite, or a werewolf slashed him, or maybe a wino shanked him when the wino walked up on the group disposing of ol’ Lady Adel’s body…good god, who really knows?

@Robert Quick…dang it man, quite trying to find fault with stories, just given them their pencils if it’s that good.

Nah, Robert makes a good point, and I really like criticism. I have the worst eye for judging what is and isn’t working in my own stuff.

@Krulltar- I actually would rather not find fault with stories, especially if they are of this caliber, but since her Elizabeth’s bio indicated that she loves critiques, I tried to find anything even if it was small because it will help her in the long run. I know it feels good to be liked, but a statement that reads “It’s pretty good. 4/5” isn’t very helpful to the author. Honestly, I am not trying to bring anybody down.

hey now, you can tell a lot about a woman from the contents of her purse! I liked the list, but I’m nosy like that. :) besides, to me it was more like rifling through things to get the one you want. This must be a localized flood, because a widespread one would take out the cell tower.. oh wait you never said she got through.. :)

This is well written, I like the story. It feels kind of clipped and fast paced in the first paragraph. I think that’s intentional though, so it works pretty well for what’s going on. Otherwise it could just be a symptom of being compressed into 1024 characters. You’ve managed to fit a lot into this small space, left it wide open for interpretation, and left dangling threads for people to sequel/prequel. Well done.

This is a stellar idea! And it’s a well written story. I agree with Robert Quick, though. The contents sentence seemed like it was put in there because it had to be. I may have worked better if there was some indication that she is searching for the cell phone among the items. But it’s very gripping and intense. Loved it!

man this was just good. plain ole fashion good. unadulterated, card carrying, dyed in the wool good. not diet good, or good just one calorie but 100 full flavor cancer causing, good. i liked it.

Perhaps if an exclamation point followed the cell phone, it might portray more desperation at finding it in the midst of the other items. Any other comments I would add have already been said. Well done!

Oh, wow, this is so exciting to be featured! Thanks for all the great comments, everyone! I definitely agree that something like an em-dash in place of the period on that list would do wonders for the way it comes across.

Hey congrats on the feature Elizabeth, and maybe you and the other people who commented (since this story has drawn the finest critics) should give some thought to joining the greatest brotherhood of writers the world has ever seen: The League Of Awesomeness.

What is the League of Awesomeness? Besides, presumably, a league wherein people are awesome. (Which sounds good so far.)

This is great— I really like your writing style, and the present tense adds to the urgency Congrats on featured!

That was excellent. The opening is gripping and intense and really showcases your talent.

Wow, i really like this. The pacing is amazing and really helps create a tangable sense of tension. I think the prequel and sequel potential for this story is brilliant.

SORRY!
I don’t normally leave so long before commenting on a challenge entry looks apologetic
This was very good. You combined my favourite forms (first person and present tense) so brownie points methinks!
Well ye done.
I liked the tension. Gratz on being featured =D…
League of Awesomeness is for writers who participate fully in ficly ie: reading, rating, commenting, creating challenges etc.
Well done on this…a very worthy entry to the challenge =D
x
PS. Only improvement I can think of is give “Jesus, so much blood” a new line, maybe even with a space between it and the previous one for added impact.
ooh and the last line is one hell of a cliffhanger.
Brill!
Abby
x

gratz on the win…you deserved it…
x

Ms. Gallenberg, you have quite the way with words, and quite a vocabulary.

The night sky strobes with lightning, silhouetting the torn guardrail on the bridge. Rain spits down like bullets. Behind us, the choppy water closes over the car, gushing through the smashed windshield, gulping it down whole.

This is the reader’s equivalent to watching The Lord of the Rings in high definition. Well-done!

The last line reminds me of the machine from the Princess Bride. O.O
Sometimes ambiguity is the writer’s best friend.

This has been nominated for the ficly book.

How exciting! Thanks to whoever nominated me! I am so honored!

I better fix that needed em-dash, then. :)

I did :) You’re welcome.

Diggin’ it. Only one thing is kinda bugging me. Second paragraph, second line. Seems comma heavy. Maybe break it with a period?

Everything’s so wet, so dark. Jesus, so much blood.

Or maybe two?

Everything’s so wet, so dark. Jesus. So much blood.

Hmm. Now I’ve confused myself.

Anywho. Great story.

Slow motion. I think I know that feeling. Tick tick tick…