I tried to kick backward and get my feet back on the chair but only succeeded in knocking it over. I continued to kick ineffectually but it was getting harder to focus. The room seemed to swim and shift as my vision became cloudy. The scarf around my neck didn’t hurt so much anymore. The burning, like getting an Indian burn on my neck, had faded. Everything was fading. I could barely make out my desk or my bed even though they were only a few feet away.

Music played, too loudly, in the background. Soon my father would yell at me to turn it down. My lungs burned as I tried to breath. My entire body twisted and turned in the air. I could feel my fingernails rip as I pulled at the knot. I had a fleeting thought of a fish on a hook. Not cool. But no one caught me; I had done this to myself.

Tears leaked from my eyes as the room began to turn black. I cried out to God, or my mom, or anyone. No sound came out. In that moment, I realized what I had done.