This is a little more vague. The “smudge” is a definite thing, an intangible antagonist that plagues the narrator. I tried to show that without being too clumsy. I probably should have left this segment off, but I wanted all three pieces of the scene to be presented.

i think you did show the antagonist as an intangible thing here. This twist is a nice addition, adds more depth to your character and develops the plot.

Definitely plot-developing – it almost makes the eroticism of the previous stories seem like a narrative device to highlight the contrast here, which is interesting…

Good work – consider me hooked! MH :)

Haha, yes the male libido truly is enduring. There is little that can stop a man from rising to the occasion.

This story is surreal. It started off as some sort of ‘fuck buddy’ relationship and ended on the lust of blooming mutual attraction – maybe love?
I don’t know why but I imagined the protagonist as a girl (which made it more enjoyable for me =] )

May just be that the guy isn’t normally the one offering favors to the girl. Honestly, in whittling the passages down to fit in the limit, I noted how easy it would be to read the narrator as a female character. Perhaps someone can explore that in an alternate sequel.

Anyway, thanks for the comments, everyone.

It didn’t read like the girl would offer herself normally. I didn’t catch that at all. She just seemed friendly. But since you did write about the guy’s embarrassment, the fact that this was not a normal/everyday offer by him becomes clear. It makes his offer bold.

Sorry, I don’t think that quite came out right. I meant that in terms of pop culture. I don’t notice a lot of male characters on TV offering sexual favors to women (granted, my forays into TV Land seem to be mostly History Channel and Discovery). We don’t get much publicity as generous partners—but that’s a discussion for a whole ’nother time.

Anyway, maybe that’s why the narrator is easy to perceive female.