After a semi-colon you don’t need to capitalize the word. This was also really clumped together and I’m pretty sure you didn’t use all of your characters, which you should have, so you could get the story a little more depth, even if just subtlety, like you did with your other story.

And you didn’t need to write down her whole schedule because that got kind of boring after the first few words. If this is also a set-up then it’s all right, but it doesn’t really get you hooked reading more. Trying adding some drama.

After a semi-colon you don’t need to capitalize the word. This was also really clumped together and I’m pretty sure you didn’t use all of your characters, which you should have, so you could get the story a little more depth, even if just subtlety, like you did with your other story.

And you didn’t need to write down her whole schedule because that got kind of boring after the first few words. If this is also a set-up then it’s all right, but it doesn’t really get you hooked reading more. Trying adding some drama.

thank you! i will try