I’m not particularly happy with this piece, but if anyone is inspired to prequel/sequel it, it might find its proper form.

I really liked this story. It’s sad, but I started wondering what group had Jason. What had happened during those years that he had been missing and what kind of favor did he have to do.

Wow.
If I have one grammatical point it’s this:
“Jason? I don’t understand, what-” He cut me off sharply. “Just listen. We don’t have a lot of time.”
Two people speaking shouldn’t be on the same line. I have to point it out because it can get confusing. Instead, Jason’s words should be connected to the line afterwards, and straight below without a space between the paragraphs to show how quick it happens.

I really like the start of this and I might sequel/prequel but I’d first have to decide which.

Yeah, wow. So much depth, danger, and so many questions..

Let me start off by saying I like the story. It is interesting and I do want to see what had happened/will happen. Criticisms- I agree with PJ’s assessments thus far. Also, the third sentence “I didn’t have time…” doesn’t seem to fit well. "It was an expensive slip seems marginally better. The last sentence of the sixth paragraph throws me off because I’m not sure how many sixteen year olds understand closure. (No offense to anyone on Ficly, you are all above average in my estimation). The last sentence bugs me a little, I’m torn between recommending a simple “Move on.” or a gentler “You can move on.” I hope that this doesn’t feel overly critical and would like to remind you that I liked it. I hope you can revise it to your own liking. Cheers!

Thanks for the comments Robert. It’s not overly critical at all. You’ve pointed out a few things that I can see are wrong, which I couldn’t see yesterday. I only knew I wasn’t quite happy with it.

Raymond, this story is exquisite. It had depth and character development and the suspense is so thick you can put it on chili. this is nice man.

Thanks for the comment Mighty Joe.

For something that I’m not particularly happy with, it’s a surprise to get such positive comments and more views than I’m used to. Plus this morning it’s featured as well. Perhaps this means I have no taste when it comes to my own stuff, or something.

Well A) we are usually our own worst critics… usually, B) just because you’re not pleased with it doesn’t mean it’s not good (and the reverse is true too), C) working to make something you’re not really happy with shine can be a good learning experience as well as incredibly rewarding. No promises though. Congratulations on being featured!

I really enjoyed this story. It has an immediacy that’s very effective, and weaves the present action and the past information smoothly.

One thing that knocks me out of the story a bit is the line: The sound of expensive electronics smashing to pieces failed to register at all. It distracts because if it failed to register, why is he mentioning it?

Overall, well done!