The only critique I can give is that you use ‘I could’ and ‘was’ over and over as well as short, choppy sentences. Some of them work, but a few of them could be shoved together for a better flow. His personality wakes up in the end, calling sebastian a jim morrison reject. :) you don’t want to lose that! Just tackle some of those fragments at the beginning, use semicolons and rewordings. “I could see smoke beyond the crumpled metal all around me.” :)

I made a few changes.