It’s pretty good, not sure if I get it. Was the idea to convey remorse at the use of real or metaphorical claws? Also, couple of things, second paragraph first sentence: “the blood the” → “the blood that”; and third paragraph last sentence I couldn’t really parse… regret and sorrow are somehow sinking the body?

2/5 for the potential, I’ll change it if you change the ficly

yeah remorse. the beast couldn’t stop itself. i fixed the craziness you said, it’s got a lot of characters left, so if I get more good suggestions, I probably can implement them.

I think that this is more feeling and description oriented, rather than story motivated. The first two paragraphs are really great. I felt like the momentum that the beginning creates gets snubbed in the third paragraph— simply because the 180 degree turn in the heart and demeanor of the beast happens a bit too ‘ficly’ fast!

Maybe you could forget about the retribution ending and all story elements and strip this down to only the heart wrenching, and flesh rendering descriptions. And then build on those to complete the ficly. By the way, I got the picture clearly of the claws retracting which sunk the beast as it was feeling low (literally) and low as in remorse. But I still think that sentence needs tweaking— the idea is a good one to tinker with, just not quite right to me. Anyway, I hope some of the rambling I did helps :)

I thought you were rewriting a scene from “New Moon” initially Elsha. Some emotive stuff happening here.