Ever thought about nuts. No? Think about ’em.

Thunk enough? Good. Let’s talk nuts:

Nuts are a homogeneous breed within reason. That is their only saving grace. Beyond this, there is little to be liked.

Firstly: They tend to be brown. Brown. BROWN! What else is brown? Yeah, you know.

Secondly: They require cracking. Your nuts? crack! That’s how you open them before you devour them. Does that sound pleasant? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Thirdly: Negative connotations. I.E. “you’re nuts!” You ever like hearing that? I know I sure don’t.

Fourthly: Climate. They sure don’t grow wherever I live…buggers.

Fifthly: Taste. Frankly, I find their taste to be appalling. Fresh with the taint of brown, cracking, negative-ness. Not cool.

Sixthly: The liberal elite media martyrizes nuts to be some great, mythical…thing. They’re not. They’re nuts. They’re overpriced and underdelicious.

Seventhly: Just do what Batman and Robin do—find a friend’s nuts to peruse. Much better than doing it yourself. WAP WAP!