An interesting, chaotic, darkly funny piece you’ve written here – on the whole I really liked it…

There were a couple of lines that felt a bit forced for the sake of structure – ‘blaring a big horn of woe’ being the one that I was least keen on, but the messages you start and end with are challenging and stimulating.

So good work! MH :)

This reminded me of the news stories back around 5 or 6 years ago about group suicides in Japan.

I edited the ‘woe’ line, M.H.. Thanks, I think it reads better now.

Much less forced now, reads more cleanly – good to see a critique taken in good spirit!

I enjoyed the “In your face” structure.

What else can I do to fix this? I want to make it better, but I wonder if this is one of those ‘destined to be less than’ from the start. Too simple rhyme scheme? Not enough ease in transition areas? Sensitive subject matter, tone is too in yo face? Let me know whatcha think, and I’ll do my best to make corrections… I see potential!

This has been nominated for the poetry ficly book. (guess it doesn’t need fixed)

Just made my day. Thanks so much, PJ and Lighty!