If you want to “go past that and maybe achieve ‘average’”, the first step is to move beyond fan fiction.

You’re diction needs work, but it’s not too bad. When writing speech, ask yourself whether it reads like a real person would really speak. When writing description, ask if the word choice and phrasing flow well and evoke the desired images or emotions. As it stands, the whole thing is rather clunky.

That said, your plot is sound. You avoided the temptation to clutter up the action or over-explain the ending.

First point: true, but I usually don’t have the time (or creativity, or patience, or skill) to make up my own setting. I toyed with the idea of having a completely ‘original’ setting (as original as zombie settings get, I suppose) but then I’d have to explain all the small things so to avoid that I just set my story in a preexisting universe. So for convenience’s sake, I just put it in a pre-established setting so people would already have an idea of the background.

Second point: Mind pointing out the offending bits? I’d love a good critique.

Third point: um, thanks. :)

I disagree with JMV concerning the Fanfic part. A preconcieved setting works well with ficly, because of the limited space you don’t have room to build the background layers.

I think what JMV was referring to when he called it clunky, was that it came across as a “movie script” rather than a story. Phrases like “Suddenly, pounding on the door.” could be changed to “There was a sudden pounding on the door causing Tom to fall off his seat” OR “In the distance, shadowy figures emerged from the darkness and closed in, growling.”, it might have better to describe one of the characters seeing this, rather than making it a statement.

Now with all that said, I loved the last line because it is a great cliffhanger.

Yup, that was pretty much what I tried to say about the fanfic part. Funny, how it took me six lines to explain what you said in three.

Anyways, I know some of the phrases are clunky; that was more-or-less intentional, as one of my sad attempts at ‘suspense’ and ‘impact’. Thanks for the advice; I’ll look it over and try to fit your suggestion into the word limit. Dang ficly word limit!

Anyways, I was actually supposed to write a sequel, but I kinda lost interest, so I’m just gonna leave this a cliffhanger. Thanks, though! :D

I’ve actually gotten pretty decent at just dropping people into a setting with very little description. Take a look at this one: http://ficly.com/stories/15696

With ficly you have to be careful with what you chose to use your characters on. It’s either going to be dialog or description. You can also use sequels to help, with the first entry being a general backstory and introduction of conflict, and the second being the actual plot movement.

I’ve read that story: it’s your attempt at YA fiction. A good attempt, and you really did manage to convey the setting with minimal description. Dang, I’ll have to learn how to do that.

And for the record, I was supposed to sequel this story. But kinda lost the interest to. Erk!

Haha, that’s happened to me on a few occasions. Must mean that you didn’t actually have interest in what you were writing. Better to not have a sequel than to write one that you don’t enjoy.