Well there she is, my first lay after 23 years of biding my time, being nice, coming up with neat and clever things to say…

Here I am on my momentous occasion being the one who’s up for some reason as she slumbers there like a wet whoopee cushion inhaling and exhaling. Was I supposed to hold her or something? Man I don’t know. I really don’t want to have to wait another 23 years because I was supposed to do something and didn’t. I mean, I think she enjoyed herself with all that heavy breathing and noise. Fuck, look at me, already dissecting the bloody thing. Why can’t I just lie on my pillow and catch some sleep like a normal human being that had a snog. My buddy Kev kept telling me, “Dude, you just need to relax, hold your head up and approach the situation like your the admiral of awesome. The fucking sultan of swing”. Well the booze helped me there for the most part but it was mostly her – “HONEY WOULD YOU AND YOUR FRIEND LIKE SOME LEMONADE?”

“JESUS CHRIST MOTHER!”