Wonderful descriptions and a great little story. My only “nitpick” would be in the dialog “How come the roof come down?”…if you got rid of the word “the” it would make that bit of dialog more colloquial, and fit in with the other dialog better.

BTW, This reminded me of the fight in LOTR between Sméagol and Déagol.

haha

lol, awesome dialogue to cinch the character!

great read, very fun. My only question would be the line “His voice was tinged with insincere bitterness”

if you dropped the ‘was’, it seems like it would be stronger and fit with the other narrative voice, plus save you 4 characters :) though I’m not sure that’s appropriate usage in this construction.