Elsha. He deserved everything he got. I like how you took us on a little ride first.

An excellent piece. I feel kind of sorry for the character – it seems as though he didn’t quite know what he was getting himself into, when he tried to earn a quick buck to get something for his love.

The transition in the center seems a little jarring, but it reminds of a ‘scene-switch’ in a movie so that’s okay. One thing, though: I’m thinking the protagonist is guilty and sorry for what he did, but the phrase ‘“Oh,” I groaned’ seems to give the impression that he’s bored, or uninterested, or something like that. And when you said, “…ringed with watery shame’”, I’m not quite sure why you used the word ‘shame’ when it wasn’t her fault… But maybe that was intentional. Still, you might want to consider changing that.

But still, excellent story! :)

this is not an uninterested ‘Oh’, this is a “crap” kind of groan, the kind that makes your belly hurt.

yeah I struggled with ‘shame’. but disappointment was too long! I’ll see if I can fit it in, but she is ashamed of him..

So with those changes, now I think it’s blatantly obvious what their feelings are. :)

Ok, good job with the edits. You’re right about the ‘blatantly obvious’ bits, but it’s okay. :)

Wow. This story is heartbreaking, and you write so beautifully that every emotion they are feeling is conveyed with perfection. Fantastic job, I loved reading it. =]

Isn’t it always the last time? :(