Crowded party at night. The girl of my wet dreams descends the stairs. This graduation get together that I wasn’t invited to is my last chance to tell her that I love her, that I’ve cried for her, that she’s part of my dream threesome (dreamsome), along with Lara Croft and 1984 Vanna White.

I approach her. Her beefy football team boy toy is behind her with a “durrr” expression. I don’t care. I read to her the script given to me by my heart and put all the love-reveal scenes in high school movies to shame.

I wait for her response. She seems distracted, distant. I look down. Apparently, she has been giving a hand job to the jock during my entire speech.

She and her man-thing brush by. In my shock, I stumble back and bump into someone. I turn around to find one of my girl classmates. She’s a bit nerdy and not as hot as my #1, but she’s cute in a how-did-I-not-see-it-before sort of way.

I smile at her. She says: “That bastard. I did anal for him.”