Minor issues with punctuation here, some quick proof-reading would clear that right up. I would watch those commas, they’re a little overused in this piece – I understand there’s a continuing sense of action that needs to be maintained, but a bit more variety in the presentation style would really add to it.

i.e. – He scanned the dark streets, eyes staring into the gloom. Something was out there – but where?

See? More than two or so full stops in a sentence (apart from lists) tend to make it a little cumbersome.

As for the story itself, curious. One to watch. Three going to four when minor issues get sorted out.

I see extensive revision. Much better!

Excellent rewrite!

Excellent rewrite!

I didn’t see the before the rewrite,so I have no comparison there. But I really enjoyed this- I’m on the edge of my seat for more- Nicely Done!