Overall this is a interesting story. It has a good flow that keeps me wanting to read it. I will have to agree with the other comments in the prequels that your spelling and puncuation is distracting. Your dialogue is good, but might I suggest a new line each time a different person speaks. One big block of text is distracting. Also, capital letters would help also.

One excellent example of how to write dialog would be Hemmingway’s “Hills Like White Elephants”.

kk thx