Very intense stuff, though a lot gets lots in grammar stuff. You’ve got run-on sentences, a comma splice, and just some weird structures. I was completely lost in the first paragraph, especially the second to last sentence. Lots of potential here. I think you just need to slow down and get the technical side clean so your story can come through more clearly.

sigh commas again. I really do try to work on it. I just got work sheets from my english teacher today on it actualy.