Ouch, nice use of the prompt, time of year, and setting to get across how dismal this poor guys feels. Felt like a few too many fragments, though I can see what you were going for. To maintain the same tense those last two sentences should use ‘would’ instead of ‘will’.

Ouch, nice use of the prompt, time of year, and setting to get across how dismal this poor guys feels. Felt like a few too many fragments, though I can see what you were going for. To maintain the same tense those last two sentences should use ‘would’ instead of ‘will’.

Thanks for the comment!

I agree that the story is a bit disjointed. I reckon I grew too attached to some of my descriptions and kept EVERYTHING, even when it interrupted the flow of the story. I should’ve been a bit more judicious with my editing.

As for the tense issue, I mismatched the last two sentences intentionally in an attempt to enhance the idea that his struggle is ongoing and immediate… I liked it at the time I was writing, but I can understand how it might just come across as poor writing.