I was really quite disturbed for the most part – screaming inside, ‘why isn’t this marked mature!’

And then the twist came, and it was clever, and I was relieved, but I think some funny dialogue from the child would have broken the ice better than the handing of the slinky… It wasn’t overtly hilarious enough, perhaps?

Still, you had me convinced, so good work – I just feel an edit could make the pay-off stronger – MH :)

Hmmm think your right, i’m not sure what though. Maybe there could be a tantrum or something? I’ll have a think

Cute twist ending there. Kids and their slinkies, never a good outcome. At first I thought mom, but now maybe babysitter?

Aside from the story stuff, you have some really rough sentence structures, especially in the first paragraph, fragments and comma splices. It makes for a more difficult read.

Okay i’ll reconsider, I think I know what you mean. I’ll make some changes tomorrow :). It’s so helpfull getting feedback, because I am learning about the best way to structure things. It’s what I find hardest.

I don’t have much to add here sadly but I think you did an excellent job! Cheers!