Lots of great atmosphere and sense of place in this. I love the contrast of the pure nature with his advanced machines. I can visualize the scene so clearly. And I love the detail about the first time he’d really seen the sky.

I think the story would read more smoothly without “It had been explained to him in a few minutes. 24 hours later, he gave them a decision.” I’m not really sure what it’s referring to — why it’s important we know he considered the plan for 24 hours — and as it’s taking place in a different time than the rest of the scene, it gives me a bit of reader whiplash.

This is a great “transition” scene. Can’t wait to see what happens next!

thanks for the advice, and the review; I decided that you are right so I made the adjustment.

Very staccato and hard to read. The number of fragments just makes the flow of the story too encumbered for me. I think you do have some good story and mood elements, but they’re all but lost in the clunky writing.

Thank you for your advice, you are right. It is a bit clunky, but I think it’s supposed to be that way, just a little jarring. Anyway, I appreciate you taking the time to read it and I hope to see more of your comments in the future